Halong is Your Junk?

Yo! Nick here back on the blog - I kicked Ty off because she was hogging it. Hanoi has been quite a bit of culture shock so far! The prices are similar to Thailand with food being a bit cheaper (especially imports and wine) and lodging a bit more expensive. As far at the people, the Vietnamese are much different generally than the Thai people although equally as lovely - "same same but different," as the Southeast Asian colloquialism goes. Here's Ty scarfing way too much food. We're determined to return from this trip decidedly more rotund than our departure date.


Our first stop on day two in Hanoi was Ho Chi Minh's Mausoleum. That's that Lincoln Memorial lookin' building in the background. If you don't know anything about Ho Chi Minh, I suggest you dun go get edu-mah-cated about this guy - he's one interesting dude. His body is preserved inside a glass case so delicately and perfectly that he resembles a wax figure. Each year around mid September through early December he takes a "vacation" to Russia to get preserved and "touched up." The Vietnamese take this very seriously and there's no messin' around near the Mausoleum.








As I mentioned before, it's a pretty serious affair. There's guards positioned just about everywhere and they're armed. I nearly got stabbed by a bayonet twice, the first time for raising my voice above a whisper and the second for having my hands in my pockets. These guards are like lions they are. Quiet, docile, stoic... and then... just when you raise your voice (or lower your hands) - POUNCE!












Thousands of tourists and locals line up every morning to pay their respects. This line laughs in the face of the line at Splash Mountain Disneyland!










No room for Humvees in Hanoi ,Vietnam parking lots.












After Ho Chi's Mausoleum, we visited the Temple of Literature. This temple was originally dedicated to Confucius but later established as a University for the education of Mandarins.

We happened to arrive during a graduation ceremony complete with beautifully clad students.












Of course I fit right in.












As you can see from the above picture, my mop was in desperate need of a chop and I seriously considered having a snip snap at this ritzy little Hanoi barber shop. In the end I elected to neglect my appearance until I achieve Wookie status.














Hanoi is big in to flowers and these shops sporting beautiful bunches of color are everywhere!











My mother asked me if downtown Hanoi was as crowded as Seattle. Ahem.











The friendly folks at Golden Wings II hotel booked us a posh two day, three night Halong Bay cruise aboard one of the swankiest "Junks". Incidentally, this is how we arrived at our crass double entendre of a blog title. Sorry, but the the humor was too precious to pass up.













This is our lovely vessel from afar. Isn't she beautiful?












Due to the intimacy of this particular junk (there were only around 15 passengers) we knew the chemistry of the company would either make the experience magnificent or disastrous. Fortunately, we knew within minutes of sitting down that these strangers-soon-to-be-palls were gonna be quite alright. Lovely peeps they were! Ty, Andrew, Sarah, Ally, and Bryan.






Our cabin was quite elegant, while still maintaining traditional charm.

When traveling we take on the form of a marcupial / camel hybrid - both humps and pouches.








Here's the posh "water closet." I felt like I was in a Jay-Z video. Peace to Jigga Man!













Ty the lovely Camel-Roo.












The view from our junk cabin.













The sun-deck where we spent our time absorbing the ocular playground that is Halong Bay.













Can you tell which direction the sun is coming from? Apparently neither can we!











We kept snapping photo after photo hoping to capture the vastness and beauty of this place.












In the distance there, you can faintly make out a local floating village that was to be our next stop.












Locals gracefully navigating the shifting bamboo rafts.








































We boarded the bamboo rafts under the power and guidance of the local rowers. I reckon it's harder than it looks!











The outside of the floating village's very own elementary school! Given the scarcity of teaching positions we withheld our resumes.











It's nice to see the glow of an educator lost in the majesty of her vocation. To be fair I get intimidated when the occasional colleague or administrator drops in to watch me in my craft. I can't imagine a hundred tourists poking their heads in not bothering to turn off their flash. You think cell phones and bubble gum are distracting!







A brilliant example of Vietnam's devotion to infrastructure and safety at all costs. :)












My mother has requested that I pull a Madonna / Angelina and stuff one of these cuties into my backpack. I don't blame her.











More snaps of the limestone cliffs and sage waters. Breathtaking.








































Okay, so we just thought this was funny. We've heard of the Headless Horseman but this is ridiculous.











Our tour guide Tony cozied up to Ty for this photo op (hustla). Tony was probably the best tour guide we've ever had. From the second we boarded the mini bus to the pier Tony got everyone acquainted with games and ice breakers, which I dread. To my Jackson students, I apologize for making you take part in these dreadful games, but to their credit they work wonders. The whole group quickly loosened up under Tony's guidance. Thanks man.




Here's a little video to show his personality. He's a good guy. A little grabby, but a good guy!





On day two of our Halong bay excursion we boarded a smaller boat to access a different part of the bay. This served as a drop point for some strenuous kayaking. We finally beached ourselves at this scenic place.














Bryan positioned us in this Glamor Shots-esque pic. Nice job Bryan, we look simply adorable.
















Our affable guide Tony endearlingly named Ben (far left) "Happy Buddha." If you forgot which version the Happy Buddha is, consult the past blog. Ben is a cool dude.










Okay, so I forgot to mention that day two of our cruise was Bryan's birthday, which he referred to as "B-dog's B-day". Consequently, Bryan used it as an incessant excuse to do anything he pleased, in his words "cause it's ma buthday." This included throwing himself off the junk several times, driving the boat, and in this case, magnanimously helping a local in the harvesting of rocks.






Not to be outdone, I harvested a bigger rock. In yo face Bryan!











Big bay, little me.













These are some wild pigs scavenging for something in the sand by means of dragging their nasty snouts through the mud. Gross.











About halfway through our journey our little boat broke - presumably something to do with the rudder. We were mercilessly forced to spend the lull time soaking in the sun, absorbing the beauty, sipping lager, laughing, and listening to tunes - it's a hard knock life.

Finally, the rescue boat appeared. We boarded and towed our boat back with this high tech method and industrious rope.









Our next stop was the aptly named, "Monkey Island." At one point in the past I considered these animals to be cute and even cuddly. Those days are over. Just look at those beady eyes. Furry jerks they are.








This photo was taken just seconds before I came to the aforementioned realization. In an attempt to gather the monkey's attention and even go as far as to entertain him I made sort of an impromptu "Ooh ooh ah ah" monkey call. The upside was that it worked - you can see he is paying attention in the photo. The downside is that the call simply irritated the little jerk and initiated an all business, teeth-a-showin, type of charge that had me quite frightened. Ironically, rabies vaccines are hard to come by on Monkey Island.



Ah! Look, honey, aren't they adorable. F-That! Don't be fooled, they're not to underestimated. Approach with caution.










In case you don't believe me. Here's a little clip of the little bastards in action. Note that this is a much more benign version of my encounter which thankfully was not captured on film. In the video you can hear me rooting for the monkey which is kind of messed up, but I didn't want anyone to miss out on the attack experience.




The other thing about these guys is they're super egocentric and even a little condescending. They think they have the whole run of the island and behave accordingly.

Later we found out this is because they are highly over caffeinated and half of them are drunk. Rangers feed them Coco Cola and Imported Beer (they're too snobby to drink the local stuff) and the monkeys have learned to pop the tops and guzzle whole cans within seconds. I kid you not. No wonder they're such meanies.


Speaking of monkey's, lately Ty's taken to telling as many Vietnamese people as she can that I'm this incredible dancer. Vietnamese people have an incredible affinity for Michael Jackson. Consequently the staff and crew resorted to calling me Michael rather than Nick throughout the rest of the trip and demanded impromptu dance sessions. This was one of the few times that I boogied upon my own free will. On a side note, she also told the hotel staff back at Golden Wings that I love to dance upon command. As a result, Ai, an employee of the hotel, plays his cellular ring tone at each of our encounters and anticipates some moves. Thanks Ty.




Because it was B-Dogs B-Day, the captain broke pretty much every rule he could think, of including blaring loud hip-hop music on the deck and hauling out jugs of rice wine.

Bryan "cause it's ma buthday" relieved himself of his shirt and trousers and once again threw himself off the junk shortly before or after this photo. He injured a rib and cut his legs but I'm pretty sure he'd deem his party a success.




On day 3 of our voyage, I awoke to find that my cold / flu that I had been fighting over the last few days had finally arrived full force (too much fun the night before I reckon) and I had to allow Ty to visit the nearby cave without me forcing me to live vicariously through her stories and pictures. Stupid cold. Stupid rice wine.







It was in the cave that our 2nd tour guide, Tuan, really came to life. Tuan has a passion for English and an uncanny ability to acquire new language.











Ty lookin' all smug inside the cave. Stupid rice wine.

Back to Tuan's ability for language acquisition. At one point Bryan taught him, "The Shizzle."








As in, "Tuan, when you bring tourists out of the cave to this viewpoint tell them, 'This is the shizzle!' The Aussies will love it!" At this point, Bryan added, "my nizzle" to the lesson, with no idea of the unquestionably derogotary connotations the expression packs.
Tuan consequently walked around for the remainder of the side trip saying "the shizzle my nizzle." Over lunch, Ty and I informed Bryan who informed Tuan, undoubtedly saving him from potential conflict on future excursions. Shew.



Tuan and I soon became best friends and true to his knack for language was quick to pick up on the expression "brother from another mother."

"Nicky! (he insisted on endearingly calling me Nicky) Someday, I feel we will meet again, but this time in AMERICA, my brother from another mother!"

Tuan, I'll miss ya brotha.



Alas, it was time to leave the crew and our new friends behind and say goodbye to the rice-wine-pouring, dancing captain. We boarded a four-hour mini bus back to Hanoi just in time to make a 9 hour night train into the mountains of Sapa. Our next blog which should be published later this week will cover our trip to Sapa.







We miss everyone so much. I think you all should know that throughout our travels people have grown to know you from our countless stories of our "friends back home."

More later!